Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Gimps Gumtree, Glasgow

Good evening, and greetings from a hotel room in Dundee. First of all let me share the happy news with you, I can now offer Glasgow incalls. I have the use of a beautiful apartment just off Argyll Street and I'm thrilled to bits. Now for the bad news. I need four hours notice. This is because I need to organise things my end and also to ensure I look drop dead gawjus to see you. So, if you're Glasgow based and fed up with presentations on projected performance for the coming quarter, you know what to do. Similarly, if you're visiting Glasgow and need a break from the standard "entertainment" provided by your Glasgow based colleagues, you know where I am, just make sure you email in advance.

Anyway, guess who got in touch ? Yes, my slave bitch. I've not heard from him for so long. He has booked a weekend of torture in December and I am looking forward to it so much. He will cook me dinner, take me shopping, make sure my every need is attended to and in turn I will handcuff him to the bathroom sink and just leave him there. A fair exchange, I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, I'm in kinda a playful mood tonight so I was perusing the "casual relationships" section of Glasgow Gumtree this evening. I came across this little belter :

"Glasgow guy seeking sexual adventure with willing female participant. Must have all ten fingers and eyebrows. I have high standards.

Would also like to travel as my place is shit. I live in the town underneath a couple who batter each other and above a violin teacher. The blend of Mozart over domestic warfare is ideal shaggin atmosphere if you're a complete psycho. Seriously though you can come to my place.

Sex for me involves fumbling around for a while before 'sticking it in' but if you're nice then I'll throw in some massages or spanking or whatever else you're into. No playing with jobbie on a stick though, it's just no my thing.

Not really fussy but huge tits would be a nice bonus as would a sense of humour.

Again I'm 26, tall and slim and really really good looking with an enormous cock. Did I mention that already?

Lookin forward to all 3 replies.


P.S No Gypsies."

So, I've decided to email this gent back and see what happens.

"Dear Glasgow Guy,

You have no idea how relieved I was to read your ad and discover that another human being is going through the hell that I endure on a daily basis. You should count yourself lucky with your warring couple, I myself have a group of Emos living downstairs who delight in listening to heavy metal and moshing. Quite why anyone would derive pleasure from hurling themselves against each other, much less clashing heads is anyone's guess. I for one believe in freedom of expression, but when it puts me off my climatic stroke with my rampant rabbit, it becomes problematic.

Anyway, I've jumped ahead of myself, my name is Laura and I'm a Catholic. Please don't delete the email at this point. I would love to meet you but it simply means that we would need to have a short marriage ceremony beforehand. Don't panic, you can always divorce me afterwards on the grounds on unreasonable behaviour, and I have it on the best authority that "unreasonable" is an understatement.

The only concern I have is your stipulation at the end of your ad that you would prefer "No gypsies". Let me say from the outset, my heritage has never been in question to me, but according to my cousin Assumpta Immaculata my Great Grand Mother's nephew's hamster was a tinker. I don't know why I'm even bringing this up, Assumpta has a nerve, the last time that girl wore knickers was during the great blizzard of 1982, and even then, legend has it that the only reason they remained intact was because she hadn't had a bath in 6 weeks and it took 4 units of Highlands and Islands Fire Brigade to get them off. ( Unusual for her, but there you are. )

So, email me back and let's see how we get on. For the record, I bathe at least once a week, and I've bought some leopard print knickers in Primark, specially like.

Laura xx

I shall of course let you know how I get on. ;)
Gumtree Glasgow